J.D.'s recent entry about homosexuals, homophobia, and being ashamed of not understanding the gay and lesbian community stirred the pot of my own memories.
Like J.D., I wasn't raised a homophobe. Nor was I raised a homophile. Homosexuality just wasn't ever a topic of discussion when I was a young boy. However, unlike J.D., I was exposed to the gay lifestyle at a pretty early age.
***Disclaimer--the views, biases, and misinformed opinions expressed in this entry are solely my own. Please understand that my opinions are not meant to be harmful. If you find something offensive, please let me know, but do it kindly as I am very fragile.***
Aunt Cathy, my mother's step sister, came out when I was still attending Catholic school--it must have been in the 1st or 2nd grade( Around 1980). Like many gay and lesbians in our society, she tried to suppress her true feelings at first--she dated men, and even married one. I don't know what the event was that finally triggered her into action, but one day, she left Uncle Stan and from then on was known as Kate.
Growing up around Aunt Kate was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. She was one of my favorite aunts. She bought us the best gifts even though she was always financially strapped. She took us on the best summer outings--the zoo, the beach, the movies--she even took me to see Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.She taught us the most about life--that it's important to be well educated, tolerant, kind, open-minded.
The adults in our family didn't treat Kate like they treated the rest of the adults. The differences were subtle, but they were there and they were evident to the me and my young siblings and cousins. For a period of time, it seemed that as Kate became more involved in her new lifestyle she became (not by choice) less involved in our lives.
But Kate was still around. She is a very handy woman. She can build, or fix anything around the house. My parents were always hiring (?) her to landscape this, or repair that. One summer, I was probably in the 7th or 8th grade, they asked her to put in a new garden border, run some sprinklers and plant some new grass in our side yard. I wasn't in school, and loved to be around Kate, so I decided to help her with this project. We worked, and talked, for days in the hot Southern California sun. I noticed how built she was, not an ounce of fat on her anywhere. I noticed how smart she was, seemingly able to talk about anything. But most of all, for the first time, I noticed...unshaved underarms! I'd never seen this on a woman before, she had more hair under there than I did--I've long since caught up!
Kate and I always talked about our family, and this job was no exception. It was during this job, in that blazing July sun, that Aunt Cathy, ex-wife of Uncle Stan the parrot man, came out to me as Aunt Kate, the lesbian. We were taking a break, talking about nothing in particular and the conversation switched to her apologizing for not being around as much as she used to be. I was understanding, well aware of the tension in the family, but not quite sure of its origins. She asked me if I knew why she wasn't around as much and I told her no. She came up close to me. I distinctly remember the heat radiating off her body towards me, her sweaty, pungent aroma inescapable ( I didn't mind). And she said to me...
"Mac, do you know what the 'L-word' is?"
"No, I said." I remember myself thinking, "Is it 'love'"?
"Mac, the family doesn't want their children around a lesbian."
I was shocked, flabberghasted, utterly dismayed. I didn't know if the family actually felt that way, or if Kate misinterpreted their feelings. She never told me if somebody actually spoke to her about staying away from the children, but I suspect that somebody did.
Later that afternoon, while we were working, I said, "please pass the dykes." I felt so stupid and embarrassed. She looked at my face, knew what I was feeling, and in true Aunt Kate fashion, she passed me the diagonal cutters, told me not to worry about it, and laughed her ass off!
Aunt Kate taught me a lot. How to work and play. How to listen. How to form my own opinions and defend them. But most importantly, how to accept people for who they are. Thanks, I don't think I can repay the debt.
Posted by Mackenzie at June 25, 2003 11:19 PMThanks for this story, Mac. You've mentioned Kate a few times, and I knew that she was important to you, so it's good to get some details.
But what else? What happened with Kate after the 8th grade? Where is she now? Did you ever meet any of her girlfriends? Does she have a steady? Is she still poor? Aimee and I read part of a book called "My Lesbian Husband" which is about these two women living together in Minneapolis. One of the issues that the author brought up that I hadn't thought about is that lesbians (or anyway these lesbians) have to deal with a sort of tripled "glass-ceiling." Which is to say, their earning power as a couple is already reduced because they are both women, and further penalized because they are gay.